A Grateful Heart

As most of you know a lot has happened in the past few weeks concerning my family. It's been just over three weeks since my stepfather unexpectedly passed away. I am not always so eloquent when I speak, so I thought I'd try to put some of my feelings into words and throw them into the vastness of the internet, if you'll let me.

These three weeks have been hard. This is not something that I thought would ever happen to me, my sister, or our family. Honestly, I don't think anyone expects someone they love to die, but it happens.

I was five years old when Tim first came into my life. For most of my years I would argue that I was actually six, just to make him mad and because I wanted to be right. For those of you who don't know, I have a dad whom I love a lot. We have a great relationship, but Tim was a huge part of my life growing up. He helped my mother support me financial, put me through private school, and eventually helped me when I went to college.

Some people think that's what matters, but it doesn't. Tim loved me from day one and, honestly, the feeling was mutual. As a child I never longed for love or affection. I come from a big, crazy, loving family and he only added to that. I was never his stepdaughter and always his daughter. Even after he and my mom split up. Even after our relationship was strained.

At his funeral the people who spoke talked about his contagious smile, giving nature, and big heart. How he could talk to anyone and make really, really stupid jokes all the time.

Okay, maybe not that last one, but they weren't his teenage daughter, were they?

Tim was charismatic and people loved him.

Especially me.

Our relationship was on the mend within the past few years, and I am grateful for that. I'm grateful for the few times we got to see each other or for the phone calls we exchanged. I'll never forget the last conversation I had with him or the fact that the last thing I told him was "I love you".

Life is short and fragile. It sucks and it's beautiful. If I've learned anything from this it's to not take anything for granted. My sister and I keep having these types of conversations that usually end with something like "he wouldn't want that". It's a cliched phrase to use, but we know how he would have wanted us to live our lives. He would want us to be happy. To love. To be kind. To be grateful.

I am grateful.

I'm grateful for the time that I got to spend with Tim. I'm grateful for my OCD cleaning tendencies that could have only been inherited from him (as my mother tells me). I'm grateful for the arguments we used to have deciding who loved the other more (there's a trick, I'll teach you). I am so, so grateful for all of the people in my life because of Tim. (Like, number one is my sister...but don't tell her that.)

Some days I wake up and I don't remember that he's gone. I know that there will always be days like that. This isn't something that we can get used to, but it isn't something that's going to go away. It's hard to realize that life goes on around you. The earth still spins even though you feel like it's stopped.

I am grateful for the people in my life who help me keep spinning. For my mom and sister and our amazingly supportive families. My friends, coworkers, and even my kiddies at school.

I'm grateful for a church family who supports me, prays for me, and with me...who loves me and reminds me that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, also. We have been leaning heavily on our faith more than ever, thankful that we have such a firm foundation and such strong beliefs.

There is so much life to love and embrace and, as cheesy as it sounds, I hope you don't waste it. I hope I don't waste it either.

Thanks for reading.

Love you most. ;) 

XOXO